


God, Have Mercy On Me

by actually_satan



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Priest James, Religion, Religious Guilt, a little bit of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 06:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15066866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actually_satan/pseuds/actually_satan
Summary: Aleks needs to confess his sins.





	God, Have Mercy On Me

**Author's Note:**

> It's always sins with these types of fics, isn't it? Haha.  
> Hopefully it's enjoyable!

“You wish to confess your sins?”  
  
Aleks gave a deep sigh from where he sat and looked up towards the man standing in front of him. “Yes, Father.” He kept his eyes on Father James, the man who he knew would help free him of sin.  
  
“Very well.” The Father gave him a gentle smile. “You may stay seated here, as we are in the presence of Christ. Talk face-to-face with me or, if you wish, I will keep turned away from you. You may be more comfortable that way.”  
  
Aleks shook his head. “No, I think...face-to-face.” He kept his eyes on the man who gave him strength. Though God was his true reason for being there, the Father was almost as important to him. Not only had he given him advice and comfort during his times of need, arguably more than God ever had, but his care didn't seem superficial. He believed the man truly cared for him, just as he did in return. Father James was like a holy entity, a guardian angel that provided guidance. It was only with the help of him that he believed God would forgive him for what he'd done and let him live both his life on earth and the afterlife in peace.  
  
“You can start whenever you'd like.” Father James spoke in a quiet yet firm voice as he sat down in front of him, so they were level to each other.  
  
“I...” Aleks clenched his fist and, spoke words full of guilt. “I don't remember how.”  
  
“It's alright.” Father James laid his hand upon Aleks's for comfort. The warmth calmed Aleks and pulled a weight from him, as if the man's touch could heal him of all pain. “I'll help you.”  
  
Aleks lowered his head. “Thank you, Father.”  
  
Father James put his finger under Aleks's chin and lifted it up to face him. “Do the sign of the cross with me and then repeat this phrase, 'In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. My last confession was...' and then say how long ago your last confession was.”  
  
Aleks gave him a nod. “Okay.” He signed the cross, the one thing he knew well, and began the phrase. Everything he said, he would mean with all his heart. “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. My last confession was...” He took a deep breath. “six years and eight months ago.”  
  
James handed him the bookmarked passage that Aleks chose from earlier. One of his favorite passages, one that meant a lot to him. Aleks took the book with a thanks and read the passage, aware of James's eyes on him. Aleks took a moment to collect himself and then read.  
  
“'The Lord is my shepherd. There is nothing I lack. In green pastures you let me graze. To safe waters you lead me. _You_...” He glanced up to where Father James was watching him, a small cross clutched in his hands. “restore my strength.” He averted his attention back to the verse, back on God. “You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name. Even when I walk through a dark valley,” He paused. The next line, he knew, would make him feel a pang in his heart. This feeling was one the man in front of him would not know of, even as Aleks stared at him and recited it by memory. “I fear no harm for you are at my side. Your rod and staff give me courage.'”  
  
“Psalm 23. 1-4.” Father James said, nodding, deep in thought.  
  
Aleks put down the bible and looked towards Father James, who regained eye contact with him once again. Now, he needed to list off all of his sins since his previous confession. He didn't know where to begin, both the little and the much more offensive sins he'd committed since his last confession, when he was 19. “I guess the first thing is...how inattentive I've been to God, church, and all of my brothers and sisters. Only more recently when I met you, Father James, had I been brought back into the light of what I once lost. For years I did many things I regret. I went to college, started doing drugs, and then dropped out without a degree...” He wrung his hands together, no longer looking towards the Father. “I've ignored others when they've needed help out of my own selfishness, including both close family and strangers. I've wrongfully hurt the ones I love and loved the ones I shouldn't.”  
  
Aleks glanced up at Father James to see he was still watching with that same look, though when their eyes met, the Father gave him an encouraging smile and nod for him to continue on. “I've several times thought ill of people, wanted to hurt them. I know to truly be good, I should never lay hand on someone out of anger, but I have. I hurt someone for talking bad of a friend. Broke his nose. To be fair, he was spreading rumors about my friend, but-” He stopped. He knew that wasn't what this was about. “I shouldn't have done it. My friend is...” He clenched his fists. “Not my friend. It's not another person at all. I just find it hard to admit that it was me because I know that it'll lead to me confessing my most prominent sin and that's...well, I guess that's why I'm here, aren't I?” He let out a half-hearted breath of laughter. “I don't know if I can do this. Father, I...”  
  
Father James put his hand on Aleks's forearm and spoke to him soothingly. “I saw you sitting here, thinking about this moment for the past hour. I know you're ready for this. You want to tell God of your sins, to do whatever you can to repent. That's all God needs. An honest and brave soul. You can do this, Aleks.”  
  
Aleks's name leaving the man's lips tapped into that part of him that he'd been trying to ignore, at the very least. “But...Father...” He could feel himself becoming emotional. Afraid. He thought of the rumors, the first time he'd felt afraid of loving someone. The first time he yelled at himself, hurt himself for doing so. “I don't think I can. I won't be free of sin unless it is cleansed from my body, but it isn't so simple as attending church or loving my neighbor.” He sniffled. “Have you ever been in love, Father?”  
  
Father James paused a moment, wavering on an answer, and then spoke. “No, I can't say I have. I have loved, my friends and family, but never 'in love.' I'm unmarried and only dated once in high school, but that wasn't what I would call love. Why do you ask?”  
  
“I've been in love, but not very many times. The only thing I've learned from it is it slowly kills you on the inside until you find the strength to rip it out yourself. Only...it's still killing me and I don't know how to stop it.” He was crying now, little tears running down his cheeks.  
  
“Aleksandr, if you truly love this woman then-”  
  
“No! You don't understand!” Aleks stopped a moment to catch his breath. He lowered his voice. He regretted raising it. “I'm not in love with a woman, I'm...” He rubbed at his eyes and tried to calm the gasps that accompanied his tears. “I'm in love with a man. I know it's not right.” He quickly added on. “But I can't help it. This man, Father...” He took a deep breath. “This man, he isn't sinful. I'm the one full of sins. There are so many things I want him to do to me and me to him. So many crude, sexual things that I thought I'd rid myself of a long time ago. I've been redirected from heaven by impure thoughts and he is an angel sent from above to guide souls like me to the rightful path. How can I ever forget my love for such a beautiful angel like him?"  
  
“I understand your struggle.” Father James said, leaning a little closer to him. “But this person, this 'angel' that you love, may not be as pure as you presume. He is human. If you look past this idealistic exterior, you may find that this love is different than you imagine, maybe even an illusion made to fool yourself.”  
  
Aleks shook his head. “No...no, this man is as pure as the whitest snow and as gentle and precious as a baby kitten. If it were true otherwise, I wouldn't have this problem. He's always in my thoughts. Even as I beg for them to go away, even as I pray every waking moment, even through counseling, I can never get him off my mind. I was...I was doing well until I met this man. I was making progress, but now he has become both my biggest hindrance and motivation and I don't...” He brought his hand to his mouth to muffle a sob. “I don't know what to do.” He kept the Father from his sight, unable to look at him.  
  
Father James placed his hand on Aleks's shoulder. “Aleks.” He called until they looked at each other again, eye to eye. The Father's hand moved from his shoulder to the crook of his neck until he could use his thumb to wipe the tears from Aleks's cheek. “It's okay.”  
  
Aleks sniffled. “But...”  
  
“No. Not buts.” He caressed Aleks's cheek with his finger. “In all my years I thought that maybe those before me were right and, like you, believed their love to be a sin, but seeing you like this made me think maybe they've been wrong this entire time. God is a loving being. He has created us and he has waited for us to make the right decisions. Why hate what you can't control when all you've done is love someone?” He spoke as though he'd had a revelation. "Do you truly think God would hate those who have done no harm?"  
  
“I...I don't know.” Aleks admitted. “Father, you...you're who people look up to. You don't think homosexuality is a sin?”  
  
“Maybe. Maybe not." He glanced up before looking back to the man in front of him. "If it is...” Father James leaned in close to Aleks, their lips almost touching, and whispered, “Then damn me to hell.” Their lips met, moving gently against each other. Both of their nerves, their guilt, became one. The very feeling of being touched so tenderly by the one he loved made Aleks feel as though he was falling. He didn't care if it was the happiness in himself or his soul descending into the deepest pits of hell. Everything he'd found to be sinful within himself, all that he'd come to terms with, was set free from its cage in that moment. The Father's hands pressed against him, feeling him in places he'd forbid himself from touching. It was overwhelming.  
  
“F-Father.” Aleks gasped as they separated. He put his hand on the Father's chest, feeling the cross beneath. He thought it may burn him. “You...”  
  
“I've known of your feelings for some time. To hear you admit them, though not directly was...” He swallowed. “More than I could handle. I couldn't let you bear this pain alone.”  
  
“But you...you're...” Aleks's head was spinning. He didn't know what to think anymore. This man, his Father, his priest, had touched him in ways that weren't at all virtuous, especially in a holy place like the church they were in. He'd felt things for Aleks that were against their religion in every aspect. “I don't understand.”  
  
“I told you, didn't I?” James spoke in a low tone, the desire pooling in his eyes. “The angel you love may not be as pure as you presume.”  
  
In that moment, Aleks wasn't sure if what he saw in front of him was one of God's holy messengers or a demon disguised one. What he did know was what his heart was telling him. He would go wherever Father James led him, even if it killed him. Whether to the happiest parts of heaven or the most torturous pits of hell, he would go there because, after all, James was his guardian angel.  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking of maybe expanding on this.  
> I have other things I want to do, but I'm not too sure how I'd write it. It would probably include more backstory on the both of them, but I know it wouldn't fit in with this, so I'm keeping this a one-shot. Maybe I'll write connecting short stories or something. We'll see!


End file.
